I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Who died my cat blue again?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
