Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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