i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
