so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
