he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
