so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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