I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
