Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just had sex bonerless
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
