tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
