i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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