foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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