She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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