Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Randomize
