Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
