call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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