return my video game
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
