I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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