Having a random hookup so left but love u
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
