if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
