textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
