I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
