Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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