Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
