my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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