I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
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