I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
