If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
