my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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