Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
