Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
