You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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