I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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