My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
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