we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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