I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
