They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
