Where did you get a picture of my penis
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
