Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
