I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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