So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
