did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
