filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
