Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
