You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
