god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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