I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
