K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
