i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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