dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
