I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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