You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
